Saturday, September 10, 2011

xxx

Yesterday was amazing because I got to speak to so many of my favourite friends.



Perhaps I had been shut close before; perhaps I had these walls around me. Protected, shielded from the usual hurt, I lived in there, content.

The most important thing in my life had been my dream. I put everything into that, staked it against all odds, until my very last breath before it enveloped me in its arms. Unlike so many, my first heartbreak had been because of a turn in the road towards the dream which I firmly had my eyes on. I can't remember now when it was that I decided that I would cultivate real relationships after I lived in the place where others spoke the same language that I did. I guess that no matter how much I believed myself to be different, I still wanted to 'belong' in a way. And seeing how words are the very meaning of my existence,  I felt that I needed to live somewhere where we would speak the same language.

I would believe that it was me taking the steps to fulfil that need in me (also called 'my dream') that changed my life, instead of what the mass would always say, how situations 'accidentally' happened that altered their lives. However, I would definitely not deny that I have been changed. But of course I have. What stays static and unchanged in this universe?! I guess that it was the magnitude which was of more significance.

If you have ever made a dream come true, or even fallen in love and was loved back, because that seems to me to be the reason why so many are so desperate to fall in love -it seems to be a lot easier than creating and working towards a personal dream, where the passions are oh, so similar; well, you will understand how this felt for me. Everyday glowed, especially the days in the beginning. Your eyes sparkled and everywhere you went, you emitted a radiance unlike any other. But perhaps this paragraph is irrelevant -and I probably just needed some space to express myself there.

What relates to this piece which I'm writing, however, were the people I met. My class was a rainbow. Well, maybe double or triple rainbows for there were more than just seven students there. And our teacher was the sun. The warmth in which she radiated was homely, even when she was burning herself. She was really something, and that was at the very least, beautiful and amazing to me. (I'll always remember her as the first person who have ever told me that I inspire them. I'm delighted that she was able to see that everything happens for a reason in the end, how the dots connected when we looked back.)

Then there were my friends. Amazingly special creatures. As wonderful as I have only ever dreamt of.

One of my closest friends there was S. S, who had her own (currently, seemingly -saying this because we know that things will work out) problems, but have always chosen to believe. She chatters like a fish swims, and honestly, sometimes when I'd thought that I would just nod on in response, what she was talking about would hook me in again. From the simple walks back from class to the picnics and trips we had gone on together, they are all infinitely precious to me. I heard her voice for the first time in a few weeks -something that has never happened ever since I'd first met her, but which I'll probably have to live with now- and just that, was enough to raise my spirits.

There was W. He has this beautiful handwriting, unlike any I've ever seen in a real person I knew personally. We all know that he's a little insane (but insanity is good, because it is preferable to being absolutely boring), but I'd always believed that he was also much much more than what he usually just showed. He shared so much with me, and I found a part of me in him, realised that I could open up so much more than I ever had before. And for that, I'll forever be grateful to him.

Then there was V. The one who could change the world with a speech. We could laugh about the most ridiculous things, but we both also knew that our friendship ran deeper than the average ones. Maybe it was because we understood some things about the world, which meant that we could have deep talks.

What I loved the most about them was the way how they can think differently from common conceptions. This inevitably led to us talking about topics that might baffle the average mind. I thought that it was amazing. It was truly like I had wished for -meaningful conversations like we had, not baffling the average mind.


"And I remember all the crazy things you said
You left them running through my head
You're always there, you're everywhere
But right now I wish you were here."
— Avril Lavigne 


I still miss you all, but I think I'll keep you in my heart and get you out of my mind for the time being. If I continue living like I had when I just left, I'd be utterly haunted out of my mind. Living in the past is miserable business, and besides that, it blocks you from seeing the good in the future. I believe that I have many more unfinished dreams to tend to, and I need to live. However, do take note that I'll never forget you. I also strongly believe that our lives have so many more dreams for us. I hope that you all find them and live them and for them.


Now I understand what Simple Plan means when they sang 'Loser of the Year':

What's the point of being on top
All the money in the world
If I can't blow it all on you

*

I can try real hard
I can try to pretend
That all these dreams mean any sense without you
But that ain't true

There are still so many others which I have yet to personally address. I know that I didn't quite get exactly what I'd asked for, but that was because I was given better, because I loved being in that international environment. Everyone was so different, yet at the same time, the same at heart. We are all like that, really. I only wish so many more people could understand this.


*I have been thinking about these for a while now, and there's something in me which tells me that perhaps it weren't just the people, but the way I viewed and tried to understood them that they seemed different from the relationships (as in friendships, and all sorts of interactions with other beings). Maybe it was me that was different. This doesn't lessen how unique all of you are. 

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