This is not how I'd imagined I would begin my holidays.

There were wild dogs in my mind. I tried to hold them in, hoping they would dissolve if they could not escape, but they made their way to my heart and chewed it out. Maybe the corner would work, I thought as I curled myself up tightly but this time they broke my voice as they escaped.

~

It is tough to remember a time that I've ever belonged. I have spent my life in paradoxes; what I believe I am isn't always what others are able to see in a glance. The most I've ever had was love; love for the things I do, love for myself when I don't forget, love for those I chose and were destined to love. Sometimes they try to place me like a game piece on the wrong square of a board of a game I'm not willing to play and I'm not always so sure of how to leave politely.

I'm not even sure of what I'm trying to say here anymore. I was thinking about these in the shower (like I always do. Think of stuff, that is. Not just this.) and told myself that even if it wasn't so positive, at least I would try writing something coherent. But well, I've been fighting against stereotypes my whole life until I realised that I could settle into something more natural. These days I sometimes feel like I've aged a hundred years and I don't really want to fight anymore, just to slip into me is all I'm asking for.

Joy, is feeling the scattering of light all over you.

The first semester of my last year in university made me feel like fruit packed solidly into a jam bottle. It was good in its way, me trying to balance everything I wanted with these two arms of mine, but there were times when I was stressed out of my mind. For some odd reason, I built those up inside of me without releasing them through some creative outlet like I used to do, so when they did make their way out, it was in pipe bursts. 

Anyway, I have decided to join the #Flickr12Day contest just to have a creative photo project of my own again. I am going to take a photo a day, each exploring the ways to express and/or portray joy. Wenkai modelled for me in my first one (the reason there are two not just one photo here is because I couldn't decide which conveyed joy better). 

On Flickr: 1, 2.

And here's an instagram photo to put you in the festive mood! 

I hope your holidays are wonderful!

x