Friday, September 30, 2011

feeling the sky

There are times when I've felt like I could do anything. Anything at all.

Right now isn't one of those times. Right now, I'm feeling insecure; wondering if I could ever be good enough. I'm seeing so much 'better than me', seeing all these eagles flying with the wind, their wings widely spread out and I'm just the baby pigeon in the nest, eyes locked on them while my wings are barely fluttering. The small me wonders and wonders and wonders how I am going to achieve those heights; but thank god for the big me hidden deep down inside. For the big me knows that I can, and that one day I will.

I've chosen what I truly like; love, even. But sometimes, you don't always feel that way. You aren't always high up in the clouds all the time. I've come down to catch my breath, and it feels... it feels so low down here. So I tried flying again. My wings faltered the first two times, and it takes me a while before I'm in flight again. The wind comes, but only in gusts. It isn't the continuos gale that once rushed through my nostrils which then turned into fiery breaths of passion.

In class, I know nobody. Yet.
Also, I seem like the only one with a different name, and while that is okay with me, it still... it still sticks out awkwardly. In my English classes, which I'd taken up as elective modules, almost everyone is an English major. The lecturer talks about books and poems and authors and literature, and the names are as unfamiliar as those of the friends I have yet to know. And suddenly, I wonder if it was okay for me taking these up; not that I am not interested, but whether I will be capable of following. In film, I do hang on to the lecturer's words with bated breath as the heroine of a story might take up the words of the riddle to get her out of the maze and save the world. But then as it crosses through the tunnel of my mind, and the shadow falls over them. And all of a sudden, they seem to tower over me and as I crane my neck and stare up at them, my mouth hanging slightly open; they seem so big.

Maybe, in a way, it's like finding your soulmate. The other person suddenly seems so perfect, and you've never done this before because they were all you've ever dreamt of, but you wonder if you could be good enough to make things all work out. Because you cannot ever imagine losing them; they're too precious to. And you cling to them close, like a toddler with the precious new teddy bear his loving older brother had just given to him.

And this is why I know I will do it. Simply because it's worth it. It's funnily strange that everything is suddenly so good; like I've had always been dreaming about this but it had always been just out of my reach, just beyond my fngertips. And they are now in my arms. Yet I feel like I'm out of my comfort zone.

I figured that this is a good thing. Simply because it means that I am growing. The old skin is cracking, falling away. It's a little uncomfortable. So instinctively, I want to reach out and pick that back. But no.

I guess that all I'm admitting is that I am terrified. Nevertheless, I know that I love it, and that is what will take me through. I'm telling you that courage isn't comfortable, that it feels like fear, but you go on anyway because your heart knows that it is right.

Find your love, wouldn't you? If you still haven't.



"This one's for you and me, living out our dreams. We're all right where we should be."
— Bruno Mars, Lighters


Wednesday, September 28, 2011

a poem of sort


love.

It embraces us.
We fall in it.
It drowns us.
And when we come up,
gasping for air.
We're still in it.
Still in it.


-v

for love, for passion.

Not long ago, I had been told that to forget old loves, you’d have to find a new one to replace it.

I had been harbouring the past for a little too long for my liking, and I believe that most people would understand this with little difficulty, as ate away at my present, the very gift I have been given every single second of my life.

Sometimes we try moving on, but I guess that one thing that holds us back is fear. Slightly delusional imagining the past much better than it perhaps had really been, and worried that the future would be bleaker than what we really could create. 

Today, I found my love again for real. 



I have always been very insistent that people take up what they really like, for there is no other way to succeed, or at the very least, be happy. There is just no point in going for a conventional ‘stable’ job when you can measure out your liking for it in teaspoons and number of nods in the classes you actually do bother to attend. Of course, I do understand that not everyone would do that. There are some who are exceedingly faithful students and it saddens me to watch them end up mediocrely, especially if they could have succeeded in some other field where their heart was. Besides that, I have heard of the other so-called obligations of parents, and perhaps, the matter of wages. The latter, being much simpler, disgusts me (even if you call yourselves ‘realistic’ and whatsoever excuses you give for spending a lifetime seeking for bags of cold, hard gold instead of living in the spirit of passion and contributing to the world.) I outrightly say that it disgusts me. Realism hardly even exists; and ‘being realistic’ is just a socially accepted form of being pessimistic. As for the formal, the ‘parent problem’, well, lets just say that for love, we would do anything, wouldn’t we? Find a way, persuade them, and even at times, insist. It is, after all, your life. They aren’t going to be the ones who would be commuting to and fro to your job; they aren’t going to be the one who’s going to have to stay up late and at odd hours to rush to meet a deadline; they just aren’t going to be the ones who would handle your life. You might be children now, but you are going to have to grow up. If they can’t understand that, help them. But keep your eye on your heart. 

This isn’t being rebellious. You still do respect them, you definitely should. But there are just some choices in life which you have to make on your own, and it’s better to start learning how-to now.
Then, make sure you do it well. Show them you could, all along. Or maybe you fall; sometimes, we do. Get back up, always get back up. It’s okay to nurse yourself for a while, but remember to keep faith. 



But hey, this post isn’t about you. It’s about me. I had just been in the most passionate class ever. The way the lecturer spoke, and maybe it was just me (although I highly doubt it), I hung on to every word. Every word rumbled through my mind like church bells through an entire town. Every sentence made sense, and the things he talked about stirred something inside me that pulled and it was my heart speaking to my mind: I want to learn to do that. Or even just a simple slight lose of breath, and I wonder on the surface if I could ever do that, but inside of me, I want to. I want to so badly. And I want to read every book, watch every movie, caress every filming gear... I just want to live! And I’m so in awe. 
And he read my name out correctly, which was a plus. Man, am I so infatuated!

For a gratifying change, this was all I thought about while I was in the shower just a while ago. 

It doesn’t feel as cheesy as heaven, but it feels really really great.

walking back, the sun a sheen on the streets. 

Sunday, September 25, 2011





*I do not claim credit for these (beautiful) photos. 

What's your favorite memory from this summer?

spending my last days with them here, then visiting home and seeing everyone again. <3

Friday, September 23, 2011

some kind of melancholy.

"I've heard it said that prayer is the act of talking to God, while meditation is the act of listening."
— Elizabeth Gilbert 


Different times, different feelings. Maybe you've learnt new things, or maybe you have forgotten how you'd used to think too. 

Anyhow, I miss little Penang so much more than the first time leaving. This time, it seemed like I had only that much time spent there. I don't know how much would have made it enough, or if I would have even wanted that 'enough' (because I would not have left it in pursue of something that resonated with me more in the first place, if I did). But that is what I was talking about forgetting how you'd used to think.
Old obsessions seem distant, both in time and at times, 'in heart'. I wonder why, not that I regret it, but every once in a while when it strolls through impersonating thoughts, I do wonder. I guess that it's like what they say, that it's not the final destination that counts, but the journey.

The experiences it had given me and the ways to expand and grow myself mentally; I could not have done those any other way.


It was such a blessing to meet up with all those close to my heart. Sure, I probably did not get to meet them all entirely, but I think I did a pretty good job and met about three-quarters. I was such pleasure meeting them, be it chatting about our stories, or even keeping each other in a few minutes silence. It probably sounds twisted to some, but I think I didn't realise how much I'd missed them till I met them.


Also, I have been taking 2-megapixel photos with my phone camera. It somehow amuses me in seeing how I could actually try to capture point-of-views and form interesting or pretty pictures, rather than plainly relying on megapixel-quality and try to fool people into thinking it's a good photo. Or editing them with those one-click apps that everyone uses now on iPhones till all their photos look the same.

So here are some unedited, Penang-life (or rather, more accurately, what I did and saw in Penang) captured in two megapixels.

the apom man

fresh apom (which are sort of like pancakes, but still different)

some evening scenery from the side of my house which I took just before my family and I left the house to go for dinner

a roadside stall (common sight in Penang) selling fruits

a lit-up ship in the distant dark

around me in the garden (right after breakfast)

reading

in town

fuzzz


the air that I breathe, words that link each other into those breezes

Saturday, September 17, 2011

let it be

how do you let a month change you?

I came home, perhaps, imagining nothing more than some time to relax and let things be. Maybe meet up with some old friends I haven't seen for a while.

I've been going in and out so often. One day, we went to the library, my dad and I. I wasn't looking for any book in particular, so I went straight to the fantasy section, hoping to get Lord of the Rings or something like that. I lifted this book called 'Magyk', and taking it along with me, I went into the silent section where my dad sat, his glasses on making him look scholarly, reading a newspaper. I passed by bookshelves -not quite an oddity in a library. A book caught my eye, and I picked it up. I wasn't too sure whether even whether I was going to borrow it, but I did want to have a look.

I had been lost for a while. Doubting my every step. I had some wisdom and plenty of quotes which I survived on without books for the past eight months. But somehow, that wasn't enough.
It was like I knew there was something higher, something I just couldn't grasp hold of. And the harder I tried, the worst I felt.

Now, it's like I've got everything back. Or maybe it's because I've let go of everything, trusting for what I need in the moment to be there, and just harmonising myself with the universe. Maybe you don't have much clue about what I'm talking about, but I guess that all I want to say is that it's funny how fast we can change especially when we did not even expect it.

If you would like to, read A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle. There's such a peace and calm that flows through me now; but I'm still learning. 


Tuesday, September 13, 2011

these are not lyrics

if you wanted, I'd tell you all about my world today
but really, I don't think I have much to say
I just hope that you're doing okay

-v

Saturday, September 10, 2011

xxx

Yesterday was amazing because I got to speak to so many of my favourite friends.



Perhaps I had been shut close before; perhaps I had these walls around me. Protected, shielded from the usual hurt, I lived in there, content.

The most important thing in my life had been my dream. I put everything into that, staked it against all odds, until my very last breath before it enveloped me in its arms. Unlike so many, my first heartbreak had been because of a turn in the road towards the dream which I firmly had my eyes on. I can't remember now when it was that I decided that I would cultivate real relationships after I lived in the place where others spoke the same language that I did. I guess that no matter how much I believed myself to be different, I still wanted to 'belong' in a way. And seeing how words are the very meaning of my existence,  I felt that I needed to live somewhere where we would speak the same language.

I would believe that it was me taking the steps to fulfil that need in me (also called 'my dream') that changed my life, instead of what the mass would always say, how situations 'accidentally' happened that altered their lives. However, I would definitely not deny that I have been changed. But of course I have. What stays static and unchanged in this universe?! I guess that it was the magnitude which was of more significance.

If you have ever made a dream come true, or even fallen in love and was loved back, because that seems to me to be the reason why so many are so desperate to fall in love -it seems to be a lot easier than creating and working towards a personal dream, where the passions are oh, so similar; well, you will understand how this felt for me. Everyday glowed, especially the days in the beginning. Your eyes sparkled and everywhere you went, you emitted a radiance unlike any other. But perhaps this paragraph is irrelevant -and I probably just needed some space to express myself there.

What relates to this piece which I'm writing, however, were the people I met. My class was a rainbow. Well, maybe double or triple rainbows for there were more than just seven students there. And our teacher was the sun. The warmth in which she radiated was homely, even when she was burning herself. She was really something, and that was at the very least, beautiful and amazing to me. (I'll always remember her as the first person who have ever told me that I inspire them. I'm delighted that she was able to see that everything happens for a reason in the end, how the dots connected when we looked back.)

Then there were my friends. Amazingly special creatures. As wonderful as I have only ever dreamt of.

One of my closest friends there was S. S, who had her own (currently, seemingly -saying this because we know that things will work out) problems, but have always chosen to believe. She chatters like a fish swims, and honestly, sometimes when I'd thought that I would just nod on in response, what she was talking about would hook me in again. From the simple walks back from class to the picnics and trips we had gone on together, they are all infinitely precious to me. I heard her voice for the first time in a few weeks -something that has never happened ever since I'd first met her, but which I'll probably have to live with now- and just that, was enough to raise my spirits.

There was W. He has this beautiful handwriting, unlike any I've ever seen in a real person I knew personally. We all know that he's a little insane (but insanity is good, because it is preferable to being absolutely boring), but I'd always believed that he was also much much more than what he usually just showed. He shared so much with me, and I found a part of me in him, realised that I could open up so much more than I ever had before. And for that, I'll forever be grateful to him.

Then there was V. The one who could change the world with a speech. We could laugh about the most ridiculous things, but we both also knew that our friendship ran deeper than the average ones. Maybe it was because we understood some things about the world, which meant that we could have deep talks.

What I loved the most about them was the way how they can think differently from common conceptions. This inevitably led to us talking about topics that might baffle the average mind. I thought that it was amazing. It was truly like I had wished for -meaningful conversations like we had, not baffling the average mind.


"And I remember all the crazy things you said
You left them running through my head
You're always there, you're everywhere
But right now I wish you were here."
— Avril Lavigne 


I still miss you all, but I think I'll keep you in my heart and get you out of my mind for the time being. If I continue living like I had when I just left, I'd be utterly haunted out of my mind. Living in the past is miserable business, and besides that, it blocks you from seeing the good in the future. I believe that I have many more unfinished dreams to tend to, and I need to live. However, do take note that I'll never forget you. I also strongly believe that our lives have so many more dreams for us. I hope that you all find them and live them and for them.


Now I understand what Simple Plan means when they sang 'Loser of the Year':

What's the point of being on top
All the money in the world
If I can't blow it all on you

*

I can try real hard
I can try to pretend
That all these dreams mean any sense without you
But that ain't true

There are still so many others which I have yet to personally address. I know that I didn't quite get exactly what I'd asked for, but that was because I was given better, because I loved being in that international environment. Everyone was so different, yet at the same time, the same at heart. We are all like that, really. I only wish so many more people could understand this.


*I have been thinking about these for a while now, and there's something in me which tells me that perhaps it weren't just the people, but the way I viewed and tried to understood them that they seemed different from the relationships (as in friendships, and all sorts of interactions with other beings). Maybe it was me that was different. This doesn't lessen how unique all of you are. 

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Eve













These are some photos I took of a sweet new friend of mine a while ago. Her name was Eve. 

She lay on the grass sprinkled with tiny daisies, her brown ocean hair flowing down her back and swam through sweet slumber while I photographed her.
When she got up, she took Ever from my arms and told me that it was my turn to be photographed.