Friday, September 30, 2011

feeling the sky

There are times when I've felt like I could do anything. Anything at all.

Right now isn't one of those times. Right now, I'm feeling insecure; wondering if I could ever be good enough. I'm seeing so much 'better than me', seeing all these eagles flying with the wind, their wings widely spread out and I'm just the baby pigeon in the nest, eyes locked on them while my wings are barely fluttering. The small me wonders and wonders and wonders how I am going to achieve those heights; but thank god for the big me hidden deep down inside. For the big me knows that I can, and that one day I will.

I've chosen what I truly like; love, even. But sometimes, you don't always feel that way. You aren't always high up in the clouds all the time. I've come down to catch my breath, and it feels... it feels so low down here. So I tried flying again. My wings faltered the first two times, and it takes me a while before I'm in flight again. The wind comes, but only in gusts. It isn't the continuos gale that once rushed through my nostrils which then turned into fiery breaths of passion.

In class, I know nobody. Yet.
Also, I seem like the only one with a different name, and while that is okay with me, it still... it still sticks out awkwardly. In my English classes, which I'd taken up as elective modules, almost everyone is an English major. The lecturer talks about books and poems and authors and literature, and the names are as unfamiliar as those of the friends I have yet to know. And suddenly, I wonder if it was okay for me taking these up; not that I am not interested, but whether I will be capable of following. In film, I do hang on to the lecturer's words with bated breath as the heroine of a story might take up the words of the riddle to get her out of the maze and save the world. But then as it crosses through the tunnel of my mind, and the shadow falls over them. And all of a sudden, they seem to tower over me and as I crane my neck and stare up at them, my mouth hanging slightly open; they seem so big.

Maybe, in a way, it's like finding your soulmate. The other person suddenly seems so perfect, and you've never done this before because they were all you've ever dreamt of, but you wonder if you could be good enough to make things all work out. Because you cannot ever imagine losing them; they're too precious to. And you cling to them close, like a toddler with the precious new teddy bear his loving older brother had just given to him.

And this is why I know I will do it. Simply because it's worth it. It's funnily strange that everything is suddenly so good; like I've had always been dreaming about this but it had always been just out of my reach, just beyond my fngertips. And they are now in my arms. Yet I feel like I'm out of my comfort zone.

I figured that this is a good thing. Simply because it means that I am growing. The old skin is cracking, falling away. It's a little uncomfortable. So instinctively, I want to reach out and pick that back. But no.

I guess that all I'm admitting is that I am terrified. Nevertheless, I know that I love it, and that is what will take me through. I'm telling you that courage isn't comfortable, that it feels like fear, but you go on anyway because your heart knows that it is right.

Find your love, wouldn't you? If you still haven't.

"This one's for you and me, living out our dreams. We're all right where we should be."
— Bruno Mars, Lighters


  1. It's bit weird that I feel the same way at the moment. Well, I'm in a totally new place, you are in a totally new class. That makes sense. My idea is to give my self a little bit of time to adjust to new weather... :)

  2. haha, yeah, I guess that it's a little weird, but yet it makes sense too. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Sachi; it means a lot to me. :)
    But yes, soon we'll settle in, adjust to the weather, even(?), LOL! But I guess it's good to never let ourselves feel too comfortable. We need to grow, we always do. For growing is the only sign that we are living. :)