Sunday, December 25, 2011


waiting at the airport.

reached Heathrow.

London jam.

beautiful day.

juggler which yelled 'Five pounds' after I snapped his picture.

everywhere was decorated for Christmas.

university town.

ready for christmas.

narrow street.

rainbow at Oxford.

red and gold.

where letters and postcards go.
dark early.

balancing violinist.

night in Oxford.

Monday, December 12, 2011


  It seems like the more I read, the deeper I go into it. And maybe it's just that delicious feeling of the way the words curl naturally around the tongue in my mind; and then again, maybe it's not just that. Because I gain understandings greater than before, where sometimes they challenge views I once had, but other times they further confirm what I already knew, only it is someone else who tells it to me this time.
And I hope that maybe someday I could be good enough to touch other minds with all those understandings I've gained.

Reading: my first truest, deepest love. There are times when I'm afraid we're riding over rocky roads, and times when I look around and it isn't there. But I always fall in love with it again, and we're usually in the library when that happens (though not always), and that, I feel, is the most beautiful thing in the world.

So many things to feel good about

Was just listing down the things I have to be grateful for mentally, and realised that I could just take a few minutes to turn it into a blogpost. It's something I try to do daily, or at least tell myself to think of the best thing that happened each day before I go to sleep, for like it's said, 'Everyday may not be good, but there always is something good in each day.' And it doesn't even matter how small it is.

So stay grateful, and all good things will be yours. :)

Now, here's my list for today:

1. Frozen fingers from shooting. And although this may sound absurd, at least I got to carry an amazing  visual recorder. And that's a kind of love.

2. Sometimes I'm soaring above it, seeing everything from a bird's eye point-of-view; other times I'm submerge in it. But it doesn't matter, for as long as it surrounds me -art, literature, moving pictures, still frames, words. All love.
And every time I'm afraid that the feeling's gone, I fall in love with it again. And there's nothing ever more beautiful than that.

3. Mint chocolates, postal service and S. ;)

  UNCLE KRACKER - SMILE by paradise_pond

Sending thanks and hugs to the universe.

Friday, December 9, 2011

let's believe together

Remember those walls I built?
Well, baby they're tumbling down
And they didn't even put up a fight
They didn't even make a sound
I found a way to let you in
But I never really had a doubt
Standing in the light of your halo
I got my angel now.

It's like I've been awakened
Every rule I had you breakin'
It's the risk that I'm taking
I ain't never gonna shut you out

Everywhere I'm looking now
I'm surrounded by your embrace
Baby, I can see your halo
You know you're my saving grace
You're everything I need and more
It's written all over your face
Baby, I can feel your halo
Pray it won't fade away

I can feel your halo
I can see your halo
I can feel your halo
I can see your halo
Halo, ooh......

Hit me like a ray of sun
Burning through my darkest night
You're the only one that I want
Think I'm addicted to your light
I swore I'd never fall again
But this don't even feel like falling
Gravity can't begin to pull me back to the ground again

It's like I've been awakened
Every rule I had you breakin'
It's the risk that I'm takin'
I'm never gonna shut you out

Everywhere I'm looking now
I'm surrounded by your embrace
Baby, I can feel your halo
I pray it won't fade away

I can feel your halo
I can see your halo
I can feel your halo
I can see your halo
Halo, ooh......
Halo, ooh......
Halo, ooh ooh......

Everywhere I'm looking now
I'm surrounded by your embrace
Baby, I can see your halo
You know you're my saving grace
You're everything I need and more
It's written all over your face
Baby, I can feel your halo

I can feel your halo
I can see your halo
I can feel your halo
I can see your halo
Halo, ooh...


Of course it isn't all just these 'meant to be', 'fate' stuff. 
We work for it, we put ourselves into it.
And it becomes us.

Thursday, December 8, 2011


  There is a photo exhibition coming up, organised by the photography society I joined. I had planned to join it, which meant submitting my photos to them, but it got tangled between all the twerps on my to-do list. And not until I saw the final reminder that the secretary put up on the Facebook page, did I really start hunting.

  Hence, I sieved through my collection of photographs, going through folder to folder, trying to find something appropriate, that is, one that isn't a random shot of an object I seized upon from one of my days.
  I don't quite remember how long that process took me, but somewhere in the middle, something came over me. Through flurries and stares, I suddenly wondered what those photographs mean to me, because right then, they were just combinations of spots and colours. Like these words are just swirls of ink on paper. Or lights. Just lights.

  Now if that should continue, there would probably be no more purpose for me in this form. This human form. For it is through these that I live. The art, the taste of these words on my lips, the play of ever changing colours through irises that take them all in, the life around me.

  There are many, who have perhaps yet to comprehend the true meaning of me making the decision to immerse my life in these. Trust me, by the percentage of those to which I have to repeat myself each time (infallibly) when asked about the course I am taking, it's ridiculous. But now, I think it's time I actually shared my reason -not that I had hidden it, but I would perhaps have sounded like I was reciting an essay if I were to explain in all its bits and details in a first meeting.

  Why film studies, you ask? Well, I do say that I chose it because of my love for photography. And yes, the decision was indeed made based on this reason. (I have this crazy filmmaker friend -you know who you are, if you do read this. And no, you're not really crazy, but we do like to annoy the hell out of each other and anyway, I am able to sort of back my argument up. And the word 'crazy' sounds nice here, but yes, I realise that I'm ranting and rumbling away, so ttyl- who told me, 'But film and photography aren't even the same! Videos are able to tell a story, whereas photos are just... still.' Which actually threw me off a bit, but I argued that they're both visual arts. Similar.) However, a few weeks into my course, and I realised an even greater reason.

  In our first lecture, we were introduced to how movies were prepared for the audience, as well as advertisements and such. And we started seeing things differently from the average viewer. Well, it didn't take one class (although there were times when it did. At least for me. Just one class which threw everything into a whole new perspective and how I knew I would and never could see them the same again.), but slowly.
  And if you knew and understand how thought create and can change the world, you would now also understand exactly what I say.
  I wonder how many have been taught or told or realised how the media puts things into our heads. And there couldn't possibly be anything truer than that. I remember being as a child, how my dad would restrict the things I could watch, the things that I read. And that was one of the most fundamental ways of controlling what went into a child's head. For it is the thoughts, repeated over and over again, which create what everyone seems to know as reality, and our external lives (oh yes! What happens inside creates what happens externally. There are these laws of the universe which science discovers and tries to explains. Like how we are all energy in the very basis of our being, thus we vibrate alongside those of the same vibration and so 'attract' what 'we are'. To which I would love elaborate more, if it weren't for the fear of making some minor mistake and result in misunderstanding; so I believe that it would be of advantage to you if you would read up some professional material instead.)

  Well, when you know how important what is put into our heads is, I believe that you can also imagine the significance of the media, especially the mainstream media. With the power to create, you have in your hands a part of influence over the lives of all out there. And that's a huge responsibility, whether most realise it or not.
  A corrupted man may conjure up fears, intentionally misleading others for his own good. And maybe if that is found out, like over the course of our history of society, many might think that they got away with it. But it is highly doubted so. For those people, no matter how seemingly insignificant they are, they make up the world. And how could one live much differently from those around him?

  But it wasn't really of these that I thought of. Quite on the contrary, I realised how I could use this medium to inspire the world. Through it, I could spread understanding. Understanding, which I realised, how crucial it is. With the wisdom of understanding, comes peace. You see, we dislike people for we do not know them. Sometimes, I think that I don't like someone because of petty reasons. But then I realise what I am doing, and so instead, I turn myself around and make me stand behind that person's point of view. And what I see is someone trying their best to live their life so that they would have mattered, and that they would be loved. I see it, and that softens my heart and I am open again. Open to be able to see the true being that they are, to be able to see their best. And it is this love which makes me want to inspire. Which probably means to help others see in the way that I have learnt to, with a mind widened and a heart which embraces.

  Do you see how we've have been put into boxes? Especially if we never realised. Box after box we are placed in, with the smallest one -before the soul curls up and try to fit, with no room to stretch- being what we perceive to be 'me'. The no's society say, the closing off from all others, conventions. All built around us and enclose us into some claustrophobic space. And when we peep out through a pin-point, we see other boxes, but do not like what we see because they are not in the same space as us.

  Looking back, I see how I have, one by one, broken out of those boxes. The 'rights and wrongs', delusions created and blindly followed until now which most still follow and I look and wish they could see as I do. It's a process though, what I've been through. I've burst out from a box, only to realise after a while, that there is another box -albeit a larger one- which I am still in. And as I grow, that explodes too. And after each go, I am a little freer.

   Then I stand outside, like one might on the beach around sunset. I stare out at the scene, and maybe that scene is just made of little spots like the sand asleep around my feet. And I step backwards, so that I may take in a bit more of that glorious picture before me. For with every step, I see more.

It isn't the darkness which comes. It's the light which goes.
So hold on to the light. Hold on to the light and never let it go.
Burn, if you must. But radiate, my dear.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

hi there gorgeous

A smile is the light in the window of your face that tells people you're at home.

Sunday, November 27, 2011

somewhere we belong.

  I really want to write. I haven't really written anything for so long, especially for myself; and with all of that cooped up inside, they played some kind of games to pass their time. I'm not happy with them.

  I don't really know how time passes these days. They have seemed to run together into an infinite ball of wool, which hits against the wall and bounces back and I just stare at it and wonder what kind of ball is that in the world. That thing is soft -purposeless; it's scratchy like the wool it looks like -unruly and common.
  I want to get the diamond back.

Well, I'm not sure if that had been what I had set out to write, but I am wondering where my love has strayed to. My insides are clenched, I realise that maybe it's me closing myself in, and wonder why. I breathe deeply to remind myself that I'm alive.

  Let's talk about places, for you've heard me speak of my passion a million and ten times before -although I will always somehow go back to them, for they are what keeps me here. I have travelled afar, by my own will. And now, enough time has passed for me to be able to look back and wonder.

  I remember her. She was younger than me, definitely; and unquestionably, had much less experience than what I have now. But she had a big heart full of dreams and courage to see them through, and I hope that she has brought that along to this time she once called the future. I love her dearly, and now I remind her to love herself in case she had took that off her mind and forgotten to put it back in. For that is the love she needs the most. When she could not get any from any other place, this was the one which she could still have as well as satisfy her the most.

  I have brought myself far to see my dreams before my eyes, and life brought me home, to remind me of all I am grateful for, before sending me off again at the airport.
  I've met various new people, turned some into wonderful friends and then said goodbyes. But more come in and even when I think I'm tired, we make each other laugh and I realise that this is what we are supposed to do -we don't stop. We never should.

  Then there are they whose homes are just a bus or train's trip away. For me, honestly, I don't really know what to feel about that. I somehow can never bring myself to envy them, for even though at peak times of my laziness when I just don't feel like bringing myself to cook, I puzzle over how they do not seem to mind living at the same pin-prick of the earth. Looking back, looking forward and in any direction of my life, I simply cannot imagine myself doing that. Not running out of those boundaries created by seas and oceans, to explore, but more importantly perhaps, just to see. Witness with our own bare naked eyes how beautiful this earth is...
  I had made my decisions and whether I had consciously or subconsciously realised the sacrifices that I would be making, I do not regret this life. Never have, never will. I stand grateful.

ps. It felt great writing. Just letting stuff out, constructing sentences and watching them fit. Just running the fingers of my mind along the strings of sentences. I feel at home.

*I found that picture above from somewhere I have now forgotten. :P

she was there.

An impromptu shoot with my friend.

And as much as I love you, Charlotte, I think I need a new model. Just for a change.