Wednesday, April 24, 2013

feeling out loud

Lately I've been sad without quite knowing why. I think it's feeling that I ought to be doing so much more but I just can't pierce into the mood which leaves my floundering around mentally and I know, I know it's the not fully being present in the moment. But really, I'd rather be happy without a reason.

Then there's you. I know I'm so much better than this, yet sometimes I sit here leaving the hours to spill away till you come home to me and I'd hold you in a long embrace because that is one place that always feels right. Isn't it beautiful? The way we love again and again and again, fresh love everyday but always the same (wonderful) person. Sometimes I think it's just a continuation; one that cascades on through the minutes that form the hours that form the days. Still I can feel the love welling up in me (a huge untouchable swelling bubble) every so often: in your embrace, being next to you, watching you, and even when you aren't next to me, things that remind me of you.

Yesterday, I watched you while you were studying. You sitting; me lying on the bed, looking up at the delightfully cute boy I fell in love with. I love watching you, many times in close-up. I took your arm with my hands and was alerted to the way your veins drew green tracks up your arm, and suddenly, I became fully aware of how life ran through you. The realisation of intentionally noticing something so simple dosed over me. Later, while showering, I became conscious of how it was the same with me, that life ran through me and there was so much to be alive for.

I'm not sure if appreciation is the right word to use, but if it is, I appreciate all of these so much and I want to always remember it. How magnificent this is; how it doesn't matter whether everything else is wrong or right, I know fully, throughout my whole being, that I love you (and that you feel the same). I want to love you unconditionally till the end of time and further still.

Other than that, I'll be photographing an event for a festival tonight, and both scared and excited as I am, I want to put myself in the mood again.

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