“Life isn’t about keeping score. It’s not about how many people call you, and it’s not about who you’ve dated, are dating, or haven’t dated at all. It isn’t about who you kissed, what sport you play, or which guy or girl likes you. It’s not about your shoes or your hair or the color of your skin or where you live or go to school. In fact, it’s not about grades, money, clothes, or colleges that accept you or not. Life isn’t about if you have lots of friends, or if you are alone, and it’s not about how accepted or unaccepted you are. Life just isn’t about that. But life is about who you love, and who you hurt. It’s about how you feel about yourself. It’s about trust, happiness, and compassion.”
I think I've read somewhere before that it is easier for us to hurt those who really care for us, not really because of anything, but because we know that they wouldn't leave us. This just came to me today, and I thought about how true it is, like I had then too, because I had never really thought of it that way before.
It's like I'm usually pretty smiley around most people, especially friends. But at times, I can be pretty careless around my family, and my siblings probably suffer the most from that. I did realise it back then, but sometimes, it was easier to get carried away than actually try to control yourself. (And with friends, you know that you actually have to work at being liked, whereas with your family, they are sort of the only people who are obliged to love you no matter what. And when things got tough and I started missing my family more, I realised that it was because of this. That they are the only ones who would really love you unconditionally without you really giving anything. I've learned to realise that that's such a beautiful thing.)
I usually dislike people giving excuses for themselves, especially their younger selves. Like just waving some past mistake off, saying 'Well, I was young then.' To me, I've always felt that just because you were young, it does not give you the excuse to behave badly. But in a way, we actually do learn -if you do- as we go through time. And I would like to say that now I know better to appreciate my family more than I did last time. We should never take anything for-granted, because nothing lasts forever. They'll all be gone sooner before you know it, and all you'll be left with is the cold blast of wind that will be the only indication that something had past by you and had ever existed. Appreciate the moments while they last. And I think that my family is indeed pretty amazing -how can it not be, especially when you have an alien as a little brother. ;)
(It's also the same with friends. There's a reason why there's a saying which says something like we love those who do not care for us, and hurt those that actually do. I am trying not to make that mistake, although sometimes, it happens unintentionally and all I can do is try to fix it. But even, sometimes, you apologise so many times till 'sorrys' don't mean a thing anymore. And when that happens, what you have to do is to work at putting the meaning back into it. And because those people care, they will forgive you. But you also need to learn to appreciate that and never take it for-granted again.)
Maybe for the first time in my life, I've got so many real stories that I could tell. And a lot of times, I wish that I could tell them. But sometimes, some things just aren't my secrets to tell. So the most that I can probably do is try to make time to write them all down in my journal. With all the things going on around me, I feel like I can hardly breathe at times, especially if time were air. Maybe one day I'll tell them to the world, to you. Maybe under different names. Maybe to different people. Maybe.
But anyway, don't worry. I'm still a writer. I'll always be living, seeking for new stories that I could share with the world. And I'll never regret anything. Everything happens for a reason and everything works out in the end too.
*photo belongs to her. :)