the destruction of a seed

I haven't been writing much at all lately, not just here, but in my general life. I've just been thinking a lot to myself how terrifying it is to realise that we change, and that I'm not sure how to pin down decisions because if there is one thing I've learnt, it's that despite knowing so many things and myself so well back then, I did not know how and towards where I would change. I'm not sure though, did I think that I would stay the same?

I knew that I would grow. In taste, especially, as I try to direct my work into higher directions. But I've also been thinking a lot about where to direct myself further into life. As I was writing this, I pondered on deciding upon a right path to take, then realised that, What if there is no path? What if we're just wading through fields of green wavering leaves and kicking through sand crossing deserts and splashing through puddles? Isn't it more natural to follow our own steps through each tick of time, instead of what society has expected of us to live (go to school, graduate, get a job, get married, having kids, work work work till it's time to retire and die). Why has it become so difficult to not follow that?

I'll be graduating from a university degree in a much shorter time than my mind has me to believe. I don't think it has fully sunk into me yet, although it's mostly because of the reasons I'd chosen to go to university that were different than so many others. I have been thinking of ending so many things, things that drains my soul more than it refuels it. I've been considering potential alternate futures, attempting to weigh up the quality of life and love they have in them. Because despite all expectations, leaping straight into a job after graduation somehow seems like going in the wrong direction for me.

I can't remember why I started writing this post. There's been the concept of a quote repeating itself in my mind, about how it appears to be complete destruction when a seed splits to sprout forth new life, when the truth is in fact quite the very opposite of what it appears to be.

Anyway, I would like to stand to the believe I've had for a long time about how everything happens for a reason so there is no use for regrets. I suppose that it is to allow your faith to be the biggest picture, so much that all fear is lost within it as vivid colours.

my love among spring blooms.