today

It was exams month at my university but today I sat for my (only) paper and it finally feels over.  Tonight, my house is filled with familiar voices and the occasional wave of laughter as my boyfriend plays mahjong with a few other friends in the kitchen. I've just came out of a shower so my hair's in wet bunches on the towel around my neck and I'm here on my bed writing this out because the sentences just came and came while I was under the water.

In a few days time, I will be back with my family in a hometown that I had never been sure whether was the right name to call mostly because I had always felt like a third culture kid in a slightly different sense than what it really is, but which I had immediately connected with when I first read an article about it in the newspaper a few years ago. Still, it isn't called food paradise without a reason and for mostly that, I long to be back even just for a month. I was chatting with a few of the friends in the kitchen before I left for a shower and I happened to mention my brother which suddenly made me (kind of -because siblings hate each other and it would be impossible to miss them, right?) miss him and his crazy antics that drive me up the wall. Which then led me to think about my sister and I actually thought how nice it would be to be back to stay up past her bedtime with her in the study room where she would pour out stories of the drama of everyday high school life -which I had never really quite experienced, the drama, that is (my year was a relatively peaceful year, I believe?).

But still, I can't yet imagine the extent to which I will miss him and even though I think it'll be a lot, I'm not quite looking forward to the hurricane of emotions that will sweep through my heart after we part for a few months. Maybe this is where Nirrimi's inspiration comes in again, as I came across one of her old blog posts saying how she and M would be apart for a few months after a year of 'almost married life', and despite the former, she rather optimistically (as she always is) said that it was a chance to allow them each to grow as an individual without relying completely on one another. Which is what I had always wanted, for him and I to each be individuals at the same time being connected as one heart. I told myself that I have to be able to stand on my own two feet. Still, there are moments where I stress myself out in my mind and breakdown, something which I had once only kept to myself knowing fully that I always pick myself up and go on again, but now he's here and when he is, he holds me. I don't usually say anything when he asks if I'm okay, not trusting my voice in that state, but I don't lie either. So he just holds and strokes me until I feel better again. Then I feel bad that those closest to me have to put up with my worst, even though I know how 'if they love you they'll be there for you' and all that which people say.

Anyway, this has been an almost diary-like entry. I know I haven't written back to so many people, especially those who mean a lot to me, and I am going to use my summer break to catch up with things, put myself back in the right mood and be the fullest me that I am and can be. But for now, I have the slight headache I came back from my exams with despite the weather being gorgeously bright so I am going to get the sleep I need. I have been sleeping all bad things away lately instead of turning them into writings or art of some sort, and that bothered me because I was never really one who went to sleep for every little thing, but it's okay. It's okay; and I chant this gently in my head because I do my best work in my best mood.

x