today

It was exams month at my university but today I sat for my (only) paper and it finally feels over.  Tonight, my house is filled with familiar voices and the occasional wave of laughter as my boyfriend plays mahjong with a few other friends in the kitchen. I've just came out of a shower so my hair's in wet bunches on the towel around my neck and I'm here on my bed writing this out because the sentences just came and came while I was under the water.

In a few days time, I will be back with my family in a hometown that I had never been sure whether was the right name to call mostly because I had always felt like a third culture kid in a slightly different sense than what it really is, but which I had immediately connected with when I first read an article about it in the newspaper a few years ago. Still, it isn't called food paradise without a reason and for mostly that, I long to be back even just for a month. I was chatting with a few of the friends in the kitchen before I left for a shower and I happened to mention my brother which suddenly made me (kind of -because siblings hate each other and it would be impossible to miss them, right?) miss him and his crazy antics that drive me up the wall. Which then led me to think about my sister and I actually thought how nice it would be to be back to stay up past her bedtime with her in the study room where she would pour out stories of the drama of everyday high school life -which I had never really quite experienced, the drama, that is (my year was a relatively peaceful year, I believe?).

But still, I can't yet imagine the extent to which I will miss him and even though I think it'll be a lot, I'm not quite looking forward to the hurricane of emotions that will sweep through my heart after we part for a few months. Maybe this is where Nirrimi's inspiration comes in again, as I came across one of her old blog posts saying how she and M would be apart for a few months after a year of 'almost married life', and despite the former, she rather optimistically (as she always is) said that it was a chance to allow them each to grow as an individual without relying completely on one another. Which is what I had always wanted, for him and I to each be individuals at the same time being connected as one heart. I told myself that I have to be able to stand on my own two feet. Still, there are moments where I stress myself out in my mind and breakdown, something which I had once only kept to myself knowing fully that I always pick myself up and go on again, but now he's here and when he is, he holds me. I don't usually say anything when he asks if I'm okay, not trusting my voice in that state, but I don't lie either. So he just holds and strokes me until I feel better again. Then I feel bad that those closest to me have to put up with my worst, even though I know how 'if they love you they'll be there for you' and all that which people say.

Anyway, this has been an almost diary-like entry. I know I haven't written back to so many people, especially those who mean a lot to me, and I am going to use my summer break to catch up with things, put myself back in the right mood and be the fullest me that I am and can be. But for now, I have the slight headache I came back from my exams with despite the weather being gorgeously bright so I am going to get the sleep I need. I have been sleeping all bad things away lately instead of turning them into writings or art of some sort, and that bothered me because I was never really one who went to sleep for every little thing, but it's okay. It's okay; and I chant this gently in my head because I do my best work in my best mood.

x

Photographing SASS Desi Night

A few weeks ago, I was asked by a friend of my friend if I could photograph an event their society was organising called "SASS Desi Nite". I did not have anything else going on that night and have also unfortunately not touched my camera for a while, so I agreed. Not because they promised free food, of course. 

I haven't exactly been asked by someone apart from my friends to photograph an event before, so I was a teensy bit nervous but I told myself that it was just taking photos and I enjoy doing that. As the event started, I wandered around in search of potential shots to capture and did so throughout the whole time I was there. There were performances first, which I really enjoyed, then there were games before it ended and food was catered. As it ran through the evening into early night, it meant that it had to go through golden hour. I almost didn't mind that the light kept changing throughout the first hour because when the golden light streamed in to light the performances, I was almost giddy with delight and kept trying to see if I could get the performers from different angles just to be able to capture that glow that bathed them in.

Here are the photos. I've kept the editing to a minimal as it is for someone else (i.e. not a personal shoot) and I figured that they would prefer it that way. 

Then they had some games.

Lastly, I have been rather busy lately as I am looking for jobs or internships to apply to for the summer and alongside assignments and exams, I have been taking ages to edit photos and update my blog, but I promise that I have not abandoned it. For those viewers who follow my posts faithfully, I cannot be more flattered and thankful for your support. I will always blog whenever I can but I also want to uphold a certain quality so that's what it is :)

hollow melancholy.

I shouldn’t be struggling with words, and I just pointed out the very problem. What is my relationship with words? Dipped in them since the beginning of my life, I’ve always had blood of ink. Cut me, slice my heart and it’d be that black viscous liquid I’d bleed. There are times I’ve tried to relieve myself of them, calm my mind, embrace the silence, but temporarily. Always temporarily. Then I miss them and want them back. Although miss is perhaps the wrong word. Frantically crave. I need them back. I always want them near. 

I guess I want them close enough to be able to reach for them whenever I want to, but not so near as to drown my entire my mind out. I try to keep them within arms reach, but it’s not like they’re static. It’s not like these black markings we’ve put down on paper. Words are alive and they are roamers. You have to know the ways in which they run, but we never really know as much as we think we do.